Back in '96 I found MySelf working at a J.B.'s restaurant in Tempe. I was the "host", and it was My job to jockey the primarily senior guests to their table as well as take their money when they were done. I hated that job, but one day three younger people and (though I hadn't realized it until a few years later) My future walked into the joint. Two girls and a guy, they were: I don't recall the male, but the girls were Andi and Anita. They were both kind of wild looking, which suited Me. After they were finished with their meal and on their way out, the girl Andi asked Me what I was doing for Valentines. We started a relationship not long after this meeting, one of the stranger periods of My life.

She had been living with Anita for awhile so I found MySelf spending a lot of time over there.

In the beginning I didn't know what to think of Anita...I don't think she liked Me at first. Eventually, however, we actually became closer, toeing that line between acquaintance and friend. I don't know if she remembers this, but I feel the first actual friendship-bond we shared was one night when I was hanging out...it was late and Andi and Anita's boyfriend were asleep. We were all pretty trashed on schnapps or some shit and Anita and I sat outside and talked. I even braved the possibility of getting sick by smoking some weed with her. It was out of this little sneak-a-toke that looked like it was made out of brass kitchen plumbing. We talked for a while...I wish I could remember what it was that we had talked about. It is one of those retrospect things that for some reason, years later, feels like one of the most important pieces of information in the world. The point is, I feel that to have been the moment in our lives when we actually became friends.

Andi, she was an odd girlfriend. We went all over the place, by bike or by foot...but I wasn't really feeling it as much as a boyfriend should. I guess I had decided that, cool as I thought she was, she was just a little too marbles for Me. I guess she felt that from Me, too, because the night I was going to call her to arrange a break up, she called Me and beat Me to it. Turns out she had confided her concerns regarding My distance and Anita had convinced her to break it off with Me. Sweet irony.

I was disappointed, not so much over the break up, but with the question of how does one maintain a friendship with his ex-girlfriend's best friend? I called a couple of times, but eventually their phone was disconnected and I hadn't the wherewithal to make the trek to Anita's to hang out. It just felt weird.

Eventually I made the decision to enroll for classes at Mesa Community College. Overall, I suppose I should have had My head examined. School was never a high aspiration for Me, I suppose. It wasn't all horrible, though. I spotted Anita walking along the path to where-ever, coming from god-knows-where. The important part was that I saw her. I called out to her, "Hey, Chiquita!" We started enjoying lunch together, a few times at least. Our biggest bond at that point was an enduring love for Twin Peaks, and we talked about it a lot. One day she just wasn't around anymore. It turned out that she had been put in a position where she had to drop her classes. My days at school became pointless. I realized that, despite My one english oriented class, My time there was being wasted. So I left.

One night, I don't know how long later, I was at Essenza (a coffee house that I frequented) and Anita showed up with her boyfriend at the time. I took one look at her and felt the first pangs of "I want you" stirring. Such a beautiful girl. We made small talk, and we may have even exchanged numbers. The boy tried to impress Me with what Anita called his "Geriatric Ride". And it was, a car big enough and loaded enough to be driven only by the elderly. I placated his need to flex his vehicular muscle...I guess I can sympathize with wankers who want nothing more than to impress male friends in front of their girl. I enjoyed it mostly due to the fact that I had notions toward "his girl" at that point. I can be rotten like that. Well, whatever the plucking at My heartstrings may have been, nothing really came of anything and I didn't see he again for quite a while.

In '97 or '98 My friend Doug took Me on as a roommate and helped Me into a job at the Boeing Company. I dated a few girls in that time, but none that really stirred Me. I would often think about Anita while obsessively watching Twin Peaks videos and wondered what ever happened to her. Thoughts of women were pushed from My mind, however, when a strain developed between My roommates and I. I left on Halloween, taking up residence with My friend Sally. That was a fantastic time, one of the best living arrangements I had experienced up to that point. Soon, Sally's boyfriend Jonathon moved in, too.

As time passed slowly living with Sally and working at Boeing, I decided to look Anita up. I found her phone number and gave her a call. She was getting ready to go to work, so I offered her a ride. What a site when I pulled up to her place and greeted her with, "hey, pigfucker!" I can be a real charmer. I drove her to work and we made some plans to hang out. I eventually took her out to see the movie Go!, and we covered a lot of conversational ground. While waiting the for the film to start, we discussed relationships and I discovered that My position was suddenly made really awkward. She had a recent rash of male friends suddenly start moving in on her, trying to get something started. From the conversation it struck Me plain that she was not interested in a boyfriend. Crestfallen, but not deterred, I prepared MySelf mentally for "just-friends". After the film we toured the Mill/University area, stopping in on the various shops they have there. While in the ZGallery, our discussion turned toward sex, and how cool it would be to break in one evening and enjoy the various gorgeous beds they sell. Of course, the topic didn't surround "us", specifically, but just that it was a shared fantasy to...well, My point is made, moving along.

That episode led us to hanging out more often, going to the dance club and enjoying dinner together. One day she produced a quantity of mushrooms and we closed ourselves up in My room with Labyrinth and a stomaches full of fungus...heads full of fuzz. After the movie we hit the streets of Mesa, taking in the green green greens of the grass and laughing at the odd things we saw in the side walk. We wandered about Fiesta Mall and I'm sure we drew stares giggling like retards. A good portion of that evening was spent at Mesa Community College where we hung out on the bleachers, wandered around the rose garden and climbed some trees.

After sobering up (for the most part) we made a spur of the moment decision to go camping. We packed up the car and drove up through Payson to Pine and found a decent spot. We set up the tent and collapsed into sleep. I could not help MySelf as I curled up close and wrapped My arms around her. When we woke, the tent was blistering...the tree we had set up under had betrayed us to the sun, and we were pushed out and headed into Payson for breakfast and coffee at Denny's. When we finally landed at home, Anita took a shower and then curled up with Me on My bed for a nap. I was very happy indeed.

So, later on down the road, Sally threw a party. I do not remember if it was an actual occasion, but it was a great party. Anita showed up with some friends, a hippy and a wicca. I was mortified when the wicca noticed My Baphomet and asked Me, "Are you one of us?" I really could care less, though...Anita was stunning in a tiny little outfit and a pair of Devil's Horns. She wore the horns for Me. She also brought a gift of amaretto soaked cherries. Delicious. The evening was long and good, and she stayed with Me. We shared kisses and conversation, groped in the dark and said soft things to each other. The start of something fantastic.

Not too long passed before Anita moved in, and not too much long after that Sally and Jonathon moved out. We had the place to ourselves, and it was such a great time. But then the fighting started. I got too wound up over financial issues and allowed it to consume Me and I couldn't handle the hybrid stress of money and arguments. It got to a point where I wondered what the point was. I made a difficult decision and broke up with this beautiful girl. A big mistake, in My book, but I felt it was needed at the time. We remained living together, but after months she confronted Me. I was given an ultimatum based

on how we were still living like we were together. Basically, either we were or were not together, and if we were not then she was leaving. I realized the depth of My love for this girl and we worked things out and became what we had been all along. It was a relief. I regretted breaking up, but pride and the notion that one is doing the right thing can really cloud the vision.

We discussed children, we discussed marriage. We got engaged. We got married. I messed that one up, though, by letting My family basically invite themselves all along. I should have put My foot down, but I didn't. Anita just wanted to have a small ceremony with the JP and two of our friends, but I allowed it to be overtaken. I allowed her wedding to be ruined. But we made it through that and worse, jobs being lost and moves having to be made. We toughed it out and I fell deeper and deeper in love with this woman.

Anita's heart had a problem. An aortic valve problem...and it was a problem that had to be taken care of through an invasive surgical procedure. We got her into the hospital for a valve transplant, her bestfriend Andi flying out from England under the pretense of being there to help in the after-procedure care. I was a fool while waiting for her to have her angiogram...I was tense and wound up and all she wanted was to have Me with her...but I opted for a cigarette and while I was gone they took her in. I wish I had stayed with her. I felt awful, and all this time later I still do. But I made sure I was there for her before the actual operation. I spent the night with her in her room, a cot laid out for Me by the nurse. Anita crawled out of her bed and slept with Me in Mine. I can't imagine what was going through My mind when they took her away the next morning, but I panicked inside. They were taking My wife to crack her chest open and fuck with her heart and it all hit Me at once. I was terrified. I don't know if I ever told her that. I had to maintain My cool exterior, because the fear I felt had to have been a paltry thing compared to what she was experiencing.

After the operation, they allowed Me into the recovery area and I felt My breath leave Me at the sight before Me. My beautiful wife, limp and for all appearances a corpse with tubes running out of her throat and arms. Prior to arrival at the hospital I told her I would take pictures for her, but I couldn't do it. That is a sight I never want to see again, the worst of all possible visions. That was what My wife would look like if she were dead, minus the medical apparatus. A vision like that does something to a person.

Her heart is fine now, and she is as healthy as I've ever seen her.

This writing has focused on mostly the good parts of our relationship, only touching lightly on a couple of the bad parts. We had seen and seen through a lot of bad parts. We had seen through her valve transplant, we had seen through My brother kicking us out of the house while she was still in recovery. We had seen through jobs that came and jobs that went. We had seen through ridiculously tight financial situations. We had seen through the betrayal of her best friend, toward both her husband in England and toward Anita. We had seen through the suicide of a very dear friend. We had seen through some very rough patches.

Some rough patches come up in a handful of couple's lives, the kind of rough patches that cannot be sanded back down to the smooth level of what that relationship had always meant. Anita and I came into our final rough patch in the fall of 2003. There were signs, hints in the things she would say, or in posts of her online journal. I saw the signs and hints and felt the twinge of fear, but I never questioned her, never made the effort to talk to her about her obvious unhappiness.

True to Michael-form, My stunted communicative skills wrought doom upon a once cherished relationship. Anita confronted Me one night in the car about her discontent, but I stubbornly refused to enter into a dialogue about that which was so incredibly important. I know that I would have made a greater effort had I been able to see what was in the near future, but I wonder if it really would have made a difference in the way things eventually played out.

When we returned home that evening Anita had it out with Me...she let Me know in no uncertain terms where her emotional regard for our marriage was headed. I panicked. I realized with crystal clarity what was happening and I broke down and begged her not to leave Me. I have never in My Life begged anyone for anything, but that night every bit and aspect of My emotional being was contained within that desperate plea. We shared tears and words and embraces, and I was granted a reassurance that she was not going to leave. She needed time to herself, time to straighten everything out in her mind.

After that night of panic and distress I worked very hard to please her, to make her happy again. I gave her the much needed space, I took better care of MySelf...I struggled especially hard to curb My temper that, though never directed at her, consistently made Anita uncomfortable. I tried so many things. I recognized that it was all for naught, though. She began to spend all of her time in the house apart from Me, and when she went out with friends she would not return until ridiculously late. Time passed so slow for Me during these long solitary evenings. I missed My wife.

At length, Anita finally came to her decision. She had gone out one evening with a friend and did not return until after three o'clock in the morning. She crept into bed with Me, but I had been unable to sleep so I confronted her and (for the first time in any relationship) made her talk to Me. Over the course of the next couple of hours, Anita expressed to Me what I had been fearing for the week or more previous. In the early morning hours of Thanksgiving Day 2003, My second marriage came to an end.